Lloyd Dober's Got Nothin' On My Baby
by AzureEyedI
Summary: Edward's hope that he can have his cake and eat it too go awry, with less-than-favorable results for him. My submission for Ms.Kathy's Haitian Relief Fundraiser. Britney Spears and The Runaways make a special guest appearance. Kinda.


**Pen Name: AzureEyedI**

**Rating: M**

**Pairing: Edward/Bella/Other**

**SM = Everything Twilighty. AEI = Everything twisted about Twilighty**

**Rapheal Akinyemi and Nikesha Briscoe own "Womanizer"**

**Joan Larkin and Kim Fowley own "Cherry Bomb"**

**For MsKathy's Haitian Relief Fundraiser  
**

* * *

I'm so close.

My mind is awash with the sensation of her pulsing blood, wet and thick and smelling of desire; her panting desire for what is pulsing and hard and thick and grinding against her pubic bone, trapped behind a shield of denim and three metal buttons.

That bone just above what my own body is screaming at me to take, to make mine. To greedily claim her purity for myself.

Her blood that sings to me, it's siren song louder and louder, a cacophony of want and need and teenage hormones amid a chorus of _More More More...._

I can almost reach her cunny, so slick and wet and ready for me. Wanting me so badly, wanting me to take her innocence, her virginity.

Wanting to make me hers, although she knows I fight against this primal urge every time we grind and hump each other in that narrow bed of hers in her father's house. The bed graced with her worn and beloved purple K-Mart quilt, now rumpled over equally worn and rough sheets. The urge that I've told her time and again that I will not succumb to with her, no matter how many times or how vainly she pleads with me to do so.

"Edward, please, please, please." She begs me, pulling me down to her soft breasts now alert and pebbled with arousal. Her heart is pounding beneath her Sternum, a virtual drumline calling to me, daring me to push her down beneath me, to tear and shred the lilac-colored cotton panties with their print of laughing skull-and-crossbones scattered across the fabric away from her cunny. The same panties now moist with the scent of her want, her need. The scent that screams to my mind, my hardened cock to _Take me Take me Take me! _

I'm _so close_. Maybe just a fingertip, maybe that will suffice for her, for me.

Maybe I can just touch her there, just a fleeting touch. That wouldn't be wrong, would it?

"Oh _God_, Edward, please, just touch me, please please please." Bella begs me, wrapping her right leg around my hip, dragging me closer to her heat as I throw us down onto the bed, her pillow framing her face and that glorious chocolate brown hair of hers, reminding me of a Botticelli angel, pure and innocent yet mischievous all at the same time.

Oh hell, why not. I can get away with it just this once, why worry? I'm a seventeen year old guy, for all intents and purposes isn't this what I'm supposed to be doing anyway?

As the flesh on my right index finger begins its journey past the thin elastic band, I hear her catch her breath as her heartbeat accelerates further. She's so wet and ready as her outer folds part for me and I'm just about to insert my finger further up her trail to Happyland when a searing pain crosses my brain; a pain so intense it yanks me back, flinging me away from the yelping human girl sprawled in the bed across the small room.

I land smack into the wall across from where an aroused and bewildered Isabella Swan lies, wondering just what in the hell is going on and why is there a look of both mortification and "Oh shit" crossing my face?

_EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! WERE YOU ABOUT TO PUT YOUR FINGER UP THAT HUMAN GIRL'S SNATCH?_

I gulp, shaking my head in denial at the screeching voice careening around my brain.

_WELL, WERE YOU? DON'T LIE TO ME EDWARD, I'LL KNOW IF YOU ARE!_

"Edward? _Edward_! What's wrong? Why are you shaking your head like that?" Bella's confusion grows as she watches me shaking my head in denial to some unseen entity exactly what I'm being accused of doing.

Oh crap, I'm in for it now.

_EDWARD! ANSWER ME, GODDAMMIT!_

No sooner does that demand float across my mind then the sound of bombastic, synth-laden over-produced music emanates from outside the house.

_Boy don't try to front, I-I know just-just what you are-are_ _Boy don't try to front, I-I know just-just what you are-are_

_You you got me goin' You you oh so charmin'_

_You! But I can't do it_

_You! You womanizer_

Fucking Britney Spears. She's blasting fucking Britney Spears out there, and I bet the whole fucking street can hear it.

_Fuck._

"Edward? What the hell is that?" Now Bella's pissed off and I watch in horror as she flies off her bed towards the front window and literally gasps at what she sees.

I. Am. So. Dead.

Biting my lower lip, I try to hold back the venom and the shame as I close my eyes, knowing exactly what she's beholding.

An azure and amber eyed, blond-tressed Alice-sized hellion dressed in a khaki trench coat, her petite feet shod in a pair of pink Chuck Taylors and holding an enormous boom box over her head glaring up at me through the ether.

And _damn_, if I'm not both ashamed and turned on at the same time. I wonder what she's wearing underneath that coat? I hope its those pink silk boy shorts of hers. Those kill me every time and...why am I telling _you_ this? I'm in the proverbial doghouse times two, _fuck._

_Lollipop, must mistake me you're the sucker_

_To think that I would be a victim not another_

_Say it, play it how you want it_

_But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby_

"Edward! Who in the hell is that woman standing on top of Emmett's Jeep and why is she dressed like that?"

I finally get the nerve up to return her angry and confused stare while desperately trying to figure out how to placate two women at the same time without further pissing both of them off.

"Uh, because she really really really liked Lloyd Dobler in that movie?" I manage to squeak out. _Weak, Cullen, real weak. Nice job, Idiotboy. No wonder she has you by the short and curlies.  
_

"What movie?"

At first I can't believe she has no clue what movie I'm referring to. But then again, of course she wouldn't; she wasn't even _born_ when "Say Anything" was released.

"Uh, well, uh." Say something Cullen, anything, just get her attention away from the window and the rapidly embarrassing scene that's happening down there, not to mention the petite hellion of a woman who is seething in anger and disbelief at what she picked up on from us.

I'd completely forgotten how sharp her sense of smell is. I really need to pull my head out of my ass about her abilities. Seriously.

"_Edward_. Who is that woman and why is she so angry at you?" Bella's pulled her jeans back on, which means any chance of my making it up to her and picking up where we left off is over.

_YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S OVER! GET YOUR SKINNY SPARKLY ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, EDWARD ANTHONY!_

"Uh, yes dear. Sorry, dear". Oh fuck. Did I just mutter that aloud?

"_Dear_? What the hell do you mean, 'dear'?" Bella's arms are crossed against her chest in vexation and now _she's_ giving me the big stinkeye. Oh holy fuck.

I can't get my jacket on fast enough, plus now the pissed off pixie stick down on the street has ramped up the volume on the boom box and it feels as if a thousand jackhammers of guilt are marching lockstep up and down my brainpan.

_EDWARD! COME TO THE WINDOW AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE KISSING GOODBYE IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!_

Oh sweet Jesus in a cornfield. Her demand is like a powerful black hole and I'm the USS Enterprise about to get sucked into its vortex.

As Bella and I watch from above, the pissed off pixie stick tosses the boom box up in the air as easily as if she's tossing a handful of wedding confetti, then whips open her trench coat exposing her creamy alabaster skin, her belly as firm and taut as the first day I saw her in her birthday suit. And those bare breasts of hers, _Oh sweet God, those doves of hers_. So round and soft and full and I'm never going to bury my face between them ever again am I?

_YOU'RE DAMN SKIPPY YOU'RE NOT EDWARD, NOT IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE PRONTO YOU WON'T. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE, BABY? I JUST WAXED!_

My gaze wanders down to the apex of her thighs and _oh God_ she's wearing a pure white cotton thong and I know what lies hidden beneath it...

_KISS IT GOODBYE, EDDIE! KISS THE GIRLS AND MISS KITTY GOODBYE!_

Her expression has gone from annoyed to seriously pissed off. I am never getting any more nookie from her ever again after this, I'm sure of it. _Damn!_

"Edward! Who_ is_ that woman?" Bella is tugging at my right arm, still demanding an explanation. If nothing else, I'm thankful that she couldn't see exactly what was flashed in front of us, since my pissed off pixie stick is that quick. That would really send her off.

This is so over. I'm going to have to spend a year up in Denali with my ass stuck in a snow bank begging for forgiveness as my penance, I just know it. My mother would be appalled at my behavior. When am I ever going to learn I can't have my cake and eat it too?

"I'm really sorry, Bella." I mutter, barely able to look her in the eye as I turn away from her and throw open the window I attempt to slither through it.

"Edward! Who _is_ she? Is that Tanya?" Bella screeches at me as she tries to prevent me from fleeing. But I'm too fleet, too snake-like for her weak human effort. I slip through her grasp like mercury skittering across the floor.

As the music below me begins it's chant of "_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer, oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby"_ I look over at Isabella Swan then back down at the now smiling and beckoning vixen waiting for me behind the wheel of Emmett's Jeep. Either way I'm in the doghouse and either way I'm going to pay but I know which woman's punishment would be eternal.

Britney's multi-tracked voice cuts off abruptly and replaced by the pounding sound of drums and bass and Cherie Currie blasting out of that incredible sound system.

_Hello world, I'm your wild girl, I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-CHERRY BOMB!_

I take one last look at the human girl who almost did me in and gulp out my explanation.

"No, Bella. It's even worse."

"_Worse?_ How could it be worse? Who _is_ she?"

"My wife."

I leap out the window and into the Jeep, where my wife stares unblinkingly at me. She leans over and kisses me softly, then smiles lovingly at me. I think I just may have gotten away with this but then she slaps my face so hard my head ricochets off the doorframe, leaving a dent that Emmett will be none too happy about.

A satisfied _'hmph'_ sound escapes from her mouth. My beloved wife stares up at Bella Swan through angry, slitted eyes and hollers "Trust me. He ain't worth it, sister!" before stomping on the accelerator, yanking the steering wheel hard and pointing the Jeep back towards our home, where I know round two awaits me.

_CHERRY BOMB! CHERRY BOMB! CHERRY BOMB!_

##

I won't tell you what she said to me once we got home since I'm too embarrassed about it, but suffice it to say a trip to Paris for Fall Fashion Week for just the two of us is in the works.

And I will sit there in the front row next to her and every show we attend and behave like a good husband would and buy her anything and everything she wants, keeping both my mouth _and_ my pants shut tight.

Until the next singer comes along. And the whole bloody mess will start up all over again.

_Sighs._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**A/N: Thanks to Reagan O' Connor as always for her beta skills. **

**And thanks to YOU for contributing to this great cause!**


End file.
